


Sylvain you horny fuck

by Karmahatesme



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: A lot of sex jokes thanks to Sylvain, Also we got some good brotps in this fic, Chaotic Hell, Deal With It, Drama, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Ingrid swears at Sylvain all the time, Lysithea and Flayn are gremlins who also swear, M/M, Magic, Multi, No I’m not going to let some characters be happy, Oh boy look at these tags, Oh look ANOTHER CHATFIC, Underage Drinking, Violence, You can just assume now that this entire account is for chatfics, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:40:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23773216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karmahatesme/pseuds/Karmahatesme
Summary: RedManwhore: Aw Ingrid Cmon don’t you wanna come over for a visit? ;)ClosetCase: why the fuck did I decide to be friends with you when you MAKE SUCH STUPID FUCKING MISTAKESDorothy: how about you follow the yellow brick road out of this fucking academyVenmomevbucks: RIP to Sylvain, reason of death? He was horny towards Ingrid*BaddestBitch is typing...*
Relationships: Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg/Petra Macneary, Flayn/Lysithea von Ordelia, Hanneman von Essar/Seteth, Ingrid Brandl Galatea/Bernadetta von Varley, Linhardt von Hevring/Hubert von Vestra, Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril, Mercedes von Martritz/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 2
Kudos: 80





	Sylvain you horny fuck

**Author's Note:**

> Names for the main chat:
> 
> FByleth: RagingLesbian  
> MByleth: Dimitrismanwhore 
> 
> Edelgard: AngryLesbian  
> Hubert: emolittleshit  
> Dorothea: Dorothy  
> Petra: aliteralangel  
> Bernadetta: Bernie Sanders  
> Caspar: No Impulse Control  
> Linhardt: BadBitch  
> Ferdinand: NarcissisticScumbag 
> 
> Dimitri: GayAssBitch  
> Dedue: Thicc  
> Felix: ClosetCase  
> Ashe: rayofsunshine  
> Mercedes: uwu  
> Annette: Gremlin Child  
> Sylvain: RedManwhore  
> Ingrid: BaddestBitch
> 
> Claude: Venmomevbucks  
> Lorenz: pieceofshitgarbage  
> Hilda: Gay for Insomnia 100  
> Marianne: Insomnia 100  
> Lysithea: BadderBitch  
> Raphael: Meat Beat Mania  
> Ignatz: Legally Blind  
> Leonie: Butch Bitch  
> Flayn: LittleShit 
> 
> Seteth: Boomer  
> Hanneman: Good Boomer  
> Manuela: Oh she thicc  
> Rhea: OH SHIT ITS DA COPS  
> Jeralt: Give this man a break

_Sothis made us all depressed_

RedManwhore: Sometimes I think to myself, what could the ladies want that I don’t have?

BaddestBitch: Maybe a dick that’s bigger than my middle finger?

BadderBitch: OHHHHHHHHHHHH

BadBitch: OHHHHHHHHHHH

RagingLesbian: I need a whole lot of coffee if I want to get through today

Dimitrismanwhore: the only thing you and I will ever agree on

Venmomevbucks: LMAOOOOO SYLVAIN U JUST GOT RIGGETY REKT BY INGRID LMAOOOOOO

pieceofshitgarbage: I question everyone’s sanity and how they can hold onto it when Claude exists

AngryLesbian: I just decide to ignore him or just imagine whacking him with a shovel

GayAssBitch: mood

GayAssBitch: did I use that term right professor?

Dimitrismanwhore: you did indeed Dimitri

RagingLesbian: lmao fucking gay

Venmomevbucks: you see? This is why I love our professors

Venmomevbucks: no homo or hereto tho lol

LittleShit: Sothis fucking hell this chats a god damn motherfucking nightmare why do any of you even fucking breath

BadderBitch: how about you shut the fuck up before I make you bitch

LittleShit: bitch I’d like to see you try

ClosetCase: and there the gremlins go

ClosetCase: doing absolutely idiotic things that I will never understand

rayofsunshine: well as long as they’re ok! I won’t have to worry as much if they’re not hurting each other!

aliteralangel: indeed! I am hoping that they are of good nature and do not attack each other!

ClosetCase: f u c k

Dorothy: f u c k

BadBitch: imagine being whipped for someone

BadBitch: couldn’t be me

No Impulse Control: Yo Linhardt where have you been?

BadBitch: sleeping 

Insomnia 100: whats sleep I only know the cold clammy hands of death at 3am

Gay for Insomnia 100: ok you really gotta get some sleep mari before you actually make a kid cry

Insomnia 100: if one of you can manage to get me to sleep then Sothis must be on your side

Venmomevbucks: ooooo we got ourselves an emo!

emolittleshit: Who dare speak of me?

Venmomevbucks: I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT HOLY SHIT

emolittleshit: Ah, it was the good for nothing ‘memer’ of the Golden Deer house. And how are you doing Claude?

AngryLesbian: Hubert you don’t have to be so sophisticated in this chat you know?

emolittleshit: Apologies Lady Edelgard, but I cannot help but message others like this as I do not want to end up like Claude 

AngryLesbian: what’s so bad about texting like Claude?

Venmomevbucks: EYYYY BTW GUYS CAN SOME OF YOU VENMO ME SOME MONEY I SPENT IT ALL ON VBUCKS

AngryLesbian: Nevermind I understand now

Bernie Sanders: can i ask why this is my name?

Venmomevbucks: ALL HAIL BERNIE SANDERS

Meat Beat Mania: ALL HAIL BERNIE SANDERS

RedManwhore: ALL HAIL BERNIE SANDERS

BadderBitch: ALL HAIL BERNIE SANDERS

BaddestBitch: ALL HAIL BERNIE SANDERS

Bernie Sanders: nvm I’m leaving now

BaddestBitch: WAIT BABE NO IM SORRY :(((((

RedManwhore: Awww Ingrid are you all alone? I can cheer you up ;)

BaddestBitch: you motherfucker how about you go and die in a whole before you make me so mad I kick your dick so hard that you can no longer impregnate any poor women with it you son of a fucking bitch

Meat Beat Mania: I was expecting that reply from Sylvain and Ingrid

Legally Blind: FUCKEIWB HELDO MY EYXBS

Gay for Insomnia 100: woah Iggy you good?

Legally Blind: SHAMPOOWD IWBDHK EYESA Q

LittleShit: HA FUCKER

pieceofshitgarbage: I thought you and Lysithea were trying to shut each other up?

LittleShit: my boomer bro came in and grounded me so that sucks

BadderBitch: serves you right bitch

LittleShit: fuck you

BadderBitch: kinda a bit too early in our relationship to want that isn’t it?

LittleShit: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

BadderBitch: oh shut up you love me

LittleShit: well fuck I sure do

rayofsunshine: Enemies to lovers, speed run edition 

ClosetCase: I don’t understand what the actual fuck you’re saying half the time but I love it 

Dimitrismanwhore: Students, we are currently faced with a situation in the dorms, please do not worry if you cannot enter or exit your dorms right now 

RagingLesbian: they’ve all been locked with a magic spell so don’t lose your shit over not being able to get in and read your hentai Sylvain

RedManwhore: Hey how did you know about that! >:(

RagingLesbian: it was a joke sothis fuck I’m actually gonna throw up

AngryLesbian: Sylvain you better watch out next time you’re near me 

emolittleshit: if Lady Edelgard wants to hurt you, then I shall do so as well, so you will also want to watch out for me

RedManwhore: WTF THIS ISNT FAIR

Butch Bitch: life isn’t fair buddy but you gotta suck it up buttercup and not be horny 24/7

RedManwhore: but I can’t help it when someone as beautiful as you exists Leonie ;)

Butch Bitch: oh cool I’ve been wanting to test my new lance technique on someone 

RedManwhore: maybe after you do that we can go back to my dorm ;)

ClosetCase: how are you gonna do that when no one can fucking get in them you dunce ass motherfucker 

ClosetCase: actually no you would fuck someone’s mother I take it back 

RedManwhore: awwww :(

Thicc: Sylvain, I would rather you not make the girls of this academy uncomfortable with your constant remarks and flirts towards them.

RedManwhore: Ngl im kinda terrified 

No Impulse Control: I agree! It’s not good with what you’re doing!

Gremlin Child: harassing girls? Not cool Sylvain!

uwu: Annette I’m sorry to say this but no one gets your references

Gremlin Child: I can live with the fact that only I can get my own references 

Legally Blind: ok I got the shampoo out but now my eyes are constantly burning so that’s fun!

Meat Beat Mania: don’t worry buddy! I’m gonna come and help!

RagingLesbian: Raphael the doors are locked

Good Boomer: Can someone explain to me why I heard a very loud scream from the dormitory area

Legally Blind: RAPHAEL BROKE THE FUCKWING DOOR DOWNF EIFBWK WHAT THE FUCK

Legally Blind: SURE IT WAS COOL BUT MY DOOR IS FUCKING BROKEN 

Meat Beat Mania: sorry teach! Didn’t mean to open it so hard!

RagingLesbian: it’s alright Raphael we can get it fixed 

Butch Bitch: I can help if Ignatz would like some

Legally Blind: P L E A S E

Gay for Insomnia 100: help is on the way iggy! Golden Deer house is on the move! 

NarcissisticScumbag: to think that the memeiest house would be so helpful with each other

LittleShit: whats that supposed to fuckin mean bitch?

NarcissisticScumbag: nothing at all!

No Impulse Control: woah Ferdinand are you scared of Flayn?

Dorothy: oh he totally is! He told me all about how he “fears the gremlin because she’s gonna kill me in cold blood one day”

LittleShit: so that’s what you think of me huh

BadderBitch: Flayn you can’t do anything you’re grounded 

LittleShit: that ain’t stopping me from killing a bitch

BaddestBitch: Wow this really went all out after I left to find Bernie!

BaddestBitch: also sorry for kicking down your door Bernie :(

Bernie Sanders: ITS FINE JUST DONT DO IT AGAIN WHFOWBDIWBDN

Dorothy: Ignatz 🤝 Bernadetta

Dorothy: Getting their doors broken down by people they thirst over

Legally Blind: DOROTHEA

Bernie Sanders: HEIFJWODB DOROTHEA NO

BaddestBitch: DOROTHEA YOU BITCH IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU

Dorothy: Careful I might like that!

GayAssBitch: Dorothea you might want to run, Ingrid just ran right out of Bernadetta’s dorm

Dorothy: OH SHIT 

Dorothy: BYE GUYS SEE YOU ALL IN HELL ESPECIALLY YOU CLAUDE

Venmomevbucks: NOOOOO DONT LEAVE ME WHO ELSE WILL I GET TO MEME WITH

pieceofshitgarbage: At least you still have the minecraft server 

Venmomevbucks: I was kicked because I accidentally blew up Dimitri’s base

GayAssBitch: I am still kind of salty about that Claude

Venmomevbucks: DIMITRI MY BRO IM SORRY

GayAssBitch: Sorry doesn’t cut it for the 2 stacks of diamonds I had in that base 

AngryLesbian: it was karma Claude

AngryLesbian: it truly was karma

Venmomevbucks: >:(

BaddestBitch: the evil has been defeated 

Venmomevbucks: NOOOOOOOO

RedManwhore: you must have worked up a sweat chasing after Dorothea Ingrid! You wanna come and meet me by my dorm? ;)

ClosetCase: you dumb bitch

Dorothy: oh you fucked up

RedManwhore: I thought you died?

Dorothy: death is a social construct when it comes to me

Venmomevbucks: F in the chat guys

uwu: F

Meat Beat Mania: F

Bernie Sanders: F

GayAssBitch: F

Gay for Insomnia 100: F

AngryLesbian: F

Dimitrismanwhore: I need some more fucking coffee this chat is making me get grey hairs 

Dimitrismanwhore: also F

RagingLesbian: you’re a fucking weakling bro if you already haven’t had your fifth cup of coffee 

Dimitrismanwhore: Sis that’s called an addiction

RagingLesbian: not if you don’t die from it

Dimitrismanwhore: THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS

Good Boomer: I can only assume that the girlish screams I heard was Sylvain getting ruthlessly chased by Ingrid 

BaddestBitch: BEGONE T H O T

Dimitrismanwhore: scratch that I’m getting the vodka out


End file.
